Tuesday, May 12, 2009

When It Rains, It Pours

So I'm sitting here stressing about something that I probably shouldn't even be stressing about.

My dad left last night and it broke my heart. I really didn't want him to go. How often do you hear a child say that their parent doesn't annoy them and that they wished their parent could stay indeffinately? Well, I am. My dad's three weeks here was such a breath of fresh air. For once I wasn't stressed about anything and I could just sit back and breathe. We had an amazing time and Brooke fell head over heels for him. They really were two peas in a pod. He left super early this morning, he conned my next door neighbor into driving him to the airport at 5 A.M. this morning. Don't ask me how he did it, my dad has some major charm. :) Anyways, we said our good-nights and good-byes last night and he started to get choked up. It always breaks my heart when my dad gets emotional. I kept it together until he went to bed, and then I just lost it. I felt like such a horrible daughter. I'm his only child and I can't spend the time I want to with him. He has such a limited time, and I want to be there for as much of it as possible. It's killing me.

So then this morning, I'm feeling down in the dumps. I check my email and see an update from a friend of mine on CafeMom. I go and check out what she's talking about only to find out that the area my husband is in, is getting rained down on. The Taliban is reaking havoc upon a nearby city, and I'm worried sick. Apparently there are three wounded and I don't know who those wounded are. I just want to know that my love is safe.

That's the hardest part of a deployment. Not knowing. And I HATE not knowing. I always have to know what's going on. I'm impatient and nosey. I'm also over analytical and have an over active imagination. These qualities are NOT condusive to a deployment. My number one biggest fear is that something would happen to my daughter. My second biggest fear is that something would happend to Eric. Who knew that I would be in this position today. Not me! I had dreams of white picket fences, not being thrown into single motherhood with my husband half way around the world getting shot at. I am a very practical person, and this is not practical. I know, I sound like a whining ungrateful wife. And I'm sorry for that. But, aren't I allowed to be a little selfish when it comes to my husband? I barely talk to him. He calls maybe once every couple of weeks. They are working him to the bone over there and I sit here and worry that he's going to come back to me in one piece. Why can't we have deployments like the airforce? He'd be gone for six months. I can do six months. I'd be half way through right now. I love him. I love him with all of my being, and to know that he may not come back to me one day kills me. I know, I know. Think positive. But if you know me, you know that I'm a realist. I'm not one of those people who constantly think of puppies and kittens. I know that there's a chance (even if it's small) that he may not come back. And if I go through this whole deployment thinking nothing is going to happen to him, and then something does, my mental health would fail. So for me, I need to remember that something is possible, and pray to God I will never find out. So not only does the Army move you far away from your friends and family, they take your loved ones away and stick them in the most dangerous parts of the world. Where is our pay for this? Don't we get some sort of compensation? We're hold down the FT job of being a devoted spouse, single parent, and moral booster.

I guess I'm just asking that you not only keep our military in your prayers, but their families at home as well. They are going through their own emotional war, and let me tell you, it's not easy.

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